How To Ask Someone To Be Your Mentor

The instinct when reaching out to a potential mentor is to lead with how much you need help. You share your struggles, explain your situation, and end with a big open-ended ask.

It feels vulnerable and genuine. But, to the person receiving it, it often feels overwhelming.

Here is the difference between an ask that lands and one that does not.

What most people say

"Hi, I was thinking maybe you could be my mentor? No pressure of course if you can't or if it's too much. I just really need help with my career and I think a mentor could really help me."

There are several things working against this.

The apology and the "no pressure" signals immediately undermine the ask. It tells the other person you are already bracing for rejection.

The ask is also vague. "Help with my career" gives the potential mentor no sense of what they are actually being asked to do, for how long, or how much time it will take.

Leading with your own need, rather than what makes this person specifically the right fit, makes the conversation about you rather than about the relationship.

What to say instead

The best mentorship conversations start small, specific, and respectful of the other person's time.

Here is an example of what that looks like in practice:

"I have been following the work you have been doing on inclusive leadership and how you have been scaling those strategies across your organisation. It is something I am currently working on as well and I have found a lot of your approach really interesting. I would love to learn more about how you did it and any advice you might have. Would 30 minutes on a monthly basis work for you?"

Notice what is different.

The ask is specific. There is a clear topic that connects your work to theirs. It shows you have done your research and that this is not a generic request sent to ten people.

The time commitment is defined. Thirty minutes monthly is a clear and manageable ask. The other person knows exactly what they are saying yes to.

The framing also helps them to see that you’re not asking them to fix your career. You are asking to learn from something specific they have already done well. 

The ask that works is one where the other person thinks: this is focused, this is manageable, and this person has clearly thought about why they are coming to me specifically. Start small. Be specific. Make it easy for them to say yes.

What is one conversation you have been putting off having? Hit reply and let me know. I personally read every response and would love to help.

Rooting for you,
Angel Kilian
Founder | Career inFocus

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